How To Not Kill Your Husband
If you are experiencing actual homicidal thoughts seek emergency help immediately. This post will do you no good for it is written with the intention to help married couples get back on the same page.
So your partner is driving you nuts. You might be fighting constantly. Just looking at him might make your skin crawl because he has been so dang annoying lately. Worried that your rage might take over and you will do something drastic that could land you a life sentence? Below is a 16-step process to help you not murder the person you used to call the “love of my life.”
Step 1: Take a deep breath.
Try to come down from the place of raging annoyance and get to a place of mild annoyance. When you are at that peak of anger at your spouse, only bad things can happen. You’re more likely to say things you don’t mean and to communicate poorly. When you are that emotional, your likelihood of getting your point across to your partner decreases substantially.
Step 2: Know you are not perfect.
You do things that annoy your spouse as well. This process is a lot easier if you admit that you both have things to work on.
Step 3: Make an agreement.
Approach your partner, with love, at a time when you are calm. Explain that you want to make your relationship better. You both have to agree to make an effort towards a better marriage. You can write down a commitment statement. Not about specifics like, “I promise I won’t leave my socks on the floor.” But instead, write something simple like “We both agree to work towards making our marriage better.” Then, you both sign your names under the commitment statements. It might feel kind of cheesy, but it can help you get in the right place of mind. You can find my example commitment statement under Day One of the Marriage Bond Challenge.
Step 4: Define why you want to kill him.
Here’s where you can get into the specifics. Write down specifically what about your partner is driving you crazy. This way you can clearly articulate the issues to your partner.
Step 5: Plan a weekly marriage meeting.
Plan a time every week when you can meet together and talk about how things are going. First, discuss things that still need some work. Ask him what things he would like you to work on and state the things you would like him to work on. End the meeting by each of you telling your partner three things they did right this week. Ending the meeting on three things you each appreciated will help the meeting end on a more positive note. If things are going well, make this a monthly meeting to just check in. But while you are still feeling like murder is a viable solution to your problems, meet weekly. You can also find my Weekly Marriage Meeting Outline under Day Eight of the Marriage Bond Challenge.
Step 6: Ask yourself, “Can it wait?”
When your hubby does something that gets under your skin, decide if it can wait until the weekly meeting. This way your partner does not feel bombarded by a constant stream of nagging, but you still get to address it later. For an issue that will fester or irk you all week, address it at the time the issue occurs by following your argument protocol.
Step 7: Create an argument protocol.
Work with your partner on a way to approach issues that can’t wait until the weekly meeting. A possible protocol could be: state the issue, take ten minutes to cool down, regroup and come up with a solution, apologize, then show physical affection with a hug or kiss. Day Three of the Marriage Bond Challenge contains my example argument protocol.
Step 8: Think of three good things a day.
Every day, write down three things you like about your husband. You could keep a running list in your journal or in a note on your phone. On a separate list write down three good things about your marriage. For example, “We ate dinner together.” It is easy to compare your marriage to what others’ marriages look like on the surface. Don’t do that. Just focus on the positives of your own marriage. Also, focusing on the good things about your partner will help you see that he isn’t always so difficult.
Step 9: Have weekly date nights.
Make a conscious effort to plan a weekly date night. The dates can be fancy, free, at home, or out on the town. You could take turns planning the night.
Step 10: Go back to how it was.
Know that it wasn’t always like this. Therefore, your marriage doesn’t have to stay like this. Obviously, you didn’t always feel like killing your husband. You did marry him after all. Remember back to what you used to do and tell your partner what made you fall in love. Tell him you loved the funny text messages during the day or how thoughtful he was by leaving you notes. Listen calmly to what your partner says he misses about you. Make an effort to start doing those things for each other again.
Step 11: Set a goal to make it through one day.
Set a goal for yourself to make it through an entire day without fighting or nagging. Let everything go today. If you can make it through twenty-four hours, upgrade your goal to three days or one week without arguing. It is really tough in the beginning to let everything go, but after a while you’ll realize that it is easier than you thought.
Step 12: Take a break.
Not from the relationship. Just take a short break from being in each others’ presence. Go see a movie with some friends or take your dog for a walk. Make sure you have a hobby or activity you like to do without your husband and spend a little time doing it. Sometimes this space can be exactly what your relationship needs to feel renewed.
Step 13: Plan a mini service project.
Service for others helps your love grow. So why wouldn’t service help your love for your spouse grow? Not only will service help you feel more love for your husband, but it can also help your husband feel more love for you. It’s a win-win! Think of some way you can help your hubby or something he will appreciate. Start “Operation: Fold the Laundry” or pick up his favorite treat on your way home.
Step 14: Realize that everyone has rough patches.
Everyone has difficult times at some point in their marriage, despite the picture perfect relationships you see on social media. Relationships are not static, they are constantly changing. At any point in time, your marriage is either getting stronger or weaker. This is the same for every marriage. Everyone is either progressing or falling backwards.
Step 15: Think, “Does it really matter?”
If your husband died tomorrow, would the stuff that annoys you really matter in the grand scheme of things? If it doesn’t matter greatly, try to let it go. You cannot change him. You can only love him for the man he is. This life has no guarantees. You don’t want your last conversation with your loved one to be an argument. Love is the only thing that really matters.
Step 16: Give yourselves room to grow.
There will be times you can’t keep your cool and follow the argument protocol, you’ll miss a date night, or you’ll skip a weekly meeting. The thing to remember is to not quit even though you messed up. Don’t quit because you aren’t doing everything perfect. Just keep going. Get back on track and keep growing a better marriage.
Hopefully, after completing these sixteen steps, you will feel less like murdering your husband. Don’t take the love of your life for granted. And you can always, always keep working towards a stronger marriage.
What are some things that have helped your marriage?